Sarcastic New Year Quotes

These hilarious and caustic New Year's quotes are all about reflecting on the past year and setting goals for the upcoming one. Look through these ironic New Year's quotations to discover the perfect way to say what's on your mind.

1. "My New Year’s resolution? To be more positive and less sarcastic. Like I won’t screw that up right away."

2. "Wishing everyone gets exactly what they deserve this year."

3. "Resolutions? Nah, I resolved years ago to skip that game, and I’ve been winning ever since."

4. "Happy New Year! But let’s be honest, I really don’t like any of you enough to wish you a happy year."

5. "My resolution? To read more, so I turned on subtitles on my TV."

6. "What do you say to someone you didn’t see on New Year’s Eve? 'I haven’t seen you for a year!'"

7. "Feeling disappointed? Don’t worry, your unachieved goals might just be someone else’s dream. Share your favorite funny New Year images with us!"

8. "Happy New Year! Remember to make resolutions you’ll never keep and hang up a calendar you’ll never look at."

9. "The library before finals looks like the gym after New Year."

10. "Not all girls are made of sugar and spice; some are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine."

11. "No New Year’s resolution needed when you’re already perfect."

12. "Last year’s resolution: get in shape for spring. This year’s: get in shape for airport screening."

13. "If you’re born in September, chances are your parents started the year with a bang."

14. "Looking forward to the New Year? It’s just another chance to repeat old habits."

Indulge in humor with these funny New Year quotes:

15. "New Year’s Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out."

16. "Asked a girl at the gym her resolution; she replied, 'Forget you.' Excited for 2024 already."

17. "I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck, they’d get a Bloody Mary."

18. "What do you say to someone you didn’t see on New Year’s Eve? 'I haven’t seen you for a year!'"

19. "Not a drinker? Neither am I. Every New Year’s, one drink makes me sick. So, I stick to being the designated driver." – Kim Kardashian

20. "Years ago, I resolved to never make resolutions. It’s been the only one I’ve kept!"

21. "They’re not resolutions; they're casual promises to myself that I’m not legally bound to fulfill."

22. "My resolution is to stop procrastinating, but I’ll start next week."

23. "New Year, new life? If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow."

24. "A year later, and I’m still not a better person. Imagine that."

25. "Laughter is the best medicine; your face must be curing the world."

26. "May your troubles last as long as your resolutions."

27. "Feeling unnoticed? Miss a couple of car payments in the New Year."

28. "Times Square’s ball drop is a nice reminder of what I did all year."

Welcome resolutions with a hint of irony:

29. "My resolution? Probably the same resolution as always: 1280 x 1024. Thanks for asking."

30. "No resolutions needed when you’re already perfect."

31. It’s New Year’s Eve; a few hours left to do all the things you’ll resolve not to do next year.

32. "My resolution? Keep my cup half-full with rum, vodka, or whiskey."

33. "To my friends: peace, love, and health? Nah, lots of booze and Lotto wins."

34. "Years ago, I resolved never to bother with resolutions. Still going strong."

35. "Thinking of my happiest memories, and you’re the common denominator. Happy New Year!"

36. "Keeping my cup half-full, with rum, vodka, or whiskey."

37. "New Year: a chance to start old habits anew."

Exciting Quotes to Kickstart the Year:

38. "Reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 8th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can’t help you."

39. "No resolutions needed when you’re already perfect."

40. "Thought of quitting sarcasm for the new year, but I’m no quitter."

41. "Dear resolution, it was fun. Sincerely, January 2nd."

42. "More time on the treadmill, the classic resolution."

43. "Year's end is not an end but a continuation, with the wisdom of experience."

44. "Your laughter cures the world."

45. "Dear Luck, let’s be friends in 2024, please?"

46. "New Year resolution: more time on the treadmill."

47. "Holiday season protocol: be drunk. Especially on New Year’s, when kissing your spouse is a must."

48. "New Year: time for resolutions, paving hell with them next week."

49. "Thought of quitting, but nobody likes a quitter."

50. "New Year Resolution: Lose weight or buy a bigger basket?"

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